Special thanks goes out to: Jelenout The South Ashevillian for the following post:
N E W S F L A S H
Bunnygate 2010: It Has Some Folk Hoppin Mad
I don’t know whether to entitle this article, Jesus: Friend Of The Fast Footed Fury Folk, or Rock And Roll Rabbits To The Rescue, or Bunny Tales From The Crypt. In any case, we’ve all recently heard or read about the Da Vincey Code and that Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a love child, and we’ve been exposed to recent revelations that Judas wasn’t such a bad guy after all (I guess he, on a guilt free lark ended up hanging himself for the Hell of it). What we haven’t heard about is a lesser exposed, perplexing, potentially hare raising discovery. Recently unearthed gnosarmtic (Gnostic AND Aramaic) 1st century scrolls found in a carrot patch in SW Asia, have shed new light on exactly how the stone, which sealed Jesus’ tomb, was rolled away. French archeologist and farmer, Pierre’ Lafoot, found these obscure delicate parchments underneath the ground after eye balling what he believed to be a carrot which had the image of a weeping Virgin Mary’s face on it’s surface. World renowned scientists, using carbon copy dating (apparently the latest thing) have testified that the scrolls were written a couple of months (give or take a week) after Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection. After careful examination biblical scholars reason that not only did, fully charged bunny rabbits (guided by the Holy Spirit), furiously dig a small trench beside the large stone, but that they were able to fashion a rope out of Jesus’ shroud they had retrieved, which they then attached around the base of the boulder and proceeded to (working as an equally yoked, harnessed team) pull and un-lodge the large object from the caves entrance. The author of these ancient writings is unknown but believed to be none other than the awestruck yet groggy Roman guard. Honestly, do we have to look any further than Bugs B. to observe a truly resourceful and noble creature capable of outwitting a man’s best observations? The well documented and biblically accurate film “The Passion Of The Christ” displays a forerunner of Peter Cottontail happily leading the way, hopping down the bunny trail towards the empty tomb. It’s really not a far stretch from talking donkeys and it shows how the angels or Jesus himself may have empowered the unsung heroes of the story, the bunny rabbits (animals of the natural world) to perform yet another miraculous deed. Were not talking about cute Easter Eggs here which any rational human being knows are created by people to fool and preoccupy unsuspecting children, were talking about hard scientific evidence.
On the local front though; protected sources have revealed that geneticist’s, secretly working with animal husbandry majors at the Contra Dancing College of Far East Asheville, have performed numerous yet unsuccessful attempts at pairing bunny rabbits with chickens. Apparently, the bunnies are up to the job but the chickens are somewhat skittish. These young scientist’s, who aren’t just cloning around, ultimate Machiavellian goal, through extensive fiendish genetic manipulation, is to see if this newly formed creature can, in fact, create chocolate covered eggs. These experiments, funded by your local tax dollars, Hershey’s, and matching government (pork barrel) money, have raised more than one eyebrow in Congress. PETA (People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals) have decried the whole process as being inhumane, while undisclosed yet vehemently outraged members of the campus’s YFJ (Youth For Jesus) have stated that these “Frankenstonian scientists are going straight to Hell in an Easter hand basket”.
News That Won’t Make You Snooze,
Jelenout The South Ashevillian
Asheville: Where Weird Be Wowed
Filed under: Uncategorized |